What is a doula? In the last decade the doula has exploded in popularity and worldwide recognition. With good reason, too! The doula is a person who is dedicated to the birthing person and their family, responding to their needs and helping them achieve their desired goals. In pregnancy, this is seen through support with information, being emotionally present, and helping the family with preparations for the journey ahead. During birth the doula provides physical comfort to the birthing person to help them have more positive birth outcomes; helps the family be informed with what procedures are being proposed by helping facilitate conversation with the care providers; and helps the family handle the emotional roller-coaster of birth. Postpartum doulas support the family as they navigate the world of the newborn. They help with sleep expectations, light household maintenance, and baby care questions such as feeding, bathing, or soothing. They can help with emotional support, postpartum adjustment, and provide referrals when necessary. What is common during all these periods of transition? Doulas provide informational, physical, and emotional support when the family needs it.
What happens when the unexpected happens? When someone experiences something as profound as a loss, what then? With October 15th being pregnancy and infant loss day, this is the time to talk about how a doula can support families experiencing this devastating event, especially since a staggering 1 in 4 are affected by loss. Friends and Family can take away from this ways that they can help. This time is meant to honour families who have experienced or are experiencing loss, and to have the conversation. Everyone knows someone who has experienced loss, whether they know it or not. The unfortunate thing is that many people don’t talk about loss as it has become taboo, causing families to suffer alone. No one should have to experience this alone.
When a family has the support of a doula they have a professional who is experienced in pregnancy and childbirth, and as such, will often have supported families through loss. Many doulas have also taken additional accreditation to support families through miscarriage, loss, and abortion. What are some ways that a doula will help grieving families?
Holding space. What does this mean exactly? Holding space means that the doula is simply present. When the family needs someone to be there quietly, or if they need someone to yell at, or they just want to cry. They are a safe place where the family can feel the feelings. Alan Wofelt writes: “Companioning is being present to another person's pain; it is not about taking away the pain.” The doula is a companion to the pain, without an agenda, and doesn’t bring their own pain into the equation.
Doula’s will acknowledge the life. Death makes people uncomfortable and in an effort to alleviate this discomfort sometimes people will dismiss the life that existed. Saying hurtful phrases like “You can try again soon” does nothing to help the pain the family is feeling. They had a child. It may have been inside for a short period of time, or the baby may have been full term or beyond. I will ask the parent if they would like to talk about their baby. What did the baby look like? If they want to share, or when they’re ready to, talking about their child can be very cathartic and needed. It’s important to love and respect that there was a life, and give permission for people to talk about it.
Doula’s support physical and emotional healing. A partner may be experiencing pain and loss as well, so they may have a hard time supporting the gestational parent during the loss. They both experienced a loss. The doula is focused on helping both navigate the big feelings and providing comfort and information for what to expect. Sometimes the family may not have much support from the care provider, especially if the loss is early in gestation. This can be very isolating, scary, and amplify the pain they are feeling. Doula’s fill this gap with the family to provide the support and information.
Doulas can help the family with what comes next. When experiencing an early loss, the gestational parent may be at a loss for what to experience physically, or may not be clear on what her options are. When a loss happens later in gestation, there are other options that become available, such as a service, or creating memory boxes to honour and reflect on the life. The gestational parent may need help when their milk comes in and how to help it dry up. What is normal when it comes to postpartum healing? A doula can help the family access the options that are available to them, give them information, and provide the emotional support to handle these difficult choices.
A doula will have an extensive resource list to provide to the family for added support. The gestational parent and partner may wish to join a support group, they may want photo’s of the baby with the family, they may wish to visit with a therapist. The doula will be able to help guide the family to different resources that are available in their area.
A doula knows not to fill the silence. Sometimes when people are uncomfortable they attempt to fill the silence with words. Let the silence sit, and the grieving parent fill the silence if they want to. Offer your presence and ear. The parents may not wish to talk about it, but if you’re busy talking they won’t have the option.
With so many families experiencing pregnancy and infant loss, it is important that as a society we stop ignoring death and start celebrating the life that existed. It is not about the discomfort that others feel, but about supporting the family when they are experiencing loss. Hold space, be a listening ear, and be open. Most of all, acknowledge the life.
